Jesse and I took the kids for a walk a few nights ago. After having so many nearly 100 degree days in a row it was such a beautiful blessing to load up the little ones in the stroller and walk for a few miles without worrying about heat stroke, sunburn, or dehydration. As we were walking we passed a house that we had looked at almost a year ago during the process of finding our first home. We toured so many houses last summer that they all seem like a blur to me….but not for Jesse. He began recalling countless details about the house trying to jog my memory and reminding me of all the reasons we had quickly checked this house off of our “Seriously Considering” list.
I have thought about this moment a lot over the past few days, because this is a rather common occurrence in the Schmidt house. We will pass an exit on the highway on the way to his parents or mine and he will ask me if I remember when we stopped there for gas three years ago and he bought a coke for himself and twizzlers for us to share. …and of course I don’t. Or I will hear him say, “Did you see that hill a few miles back there on the right with the tall dead tree near the top? That would be a sick place to bring the banshee with my brothers.” …and of course I didn’t notice it.
Rarely can I remember what someone was wearing five minutes after having a conversation with them, or notice all (or any) of the potential snowboarding, long boarding, rock climbing spots we pass on road trips. I simply do not make the effort to fully see everything that is going on around me. And I realized how lazy my eyes are.
This same lazy attention has crept its way into my marriage. I flipped back through my mind of memories of Jesse and I while we were dating, engaged, and first married. When people ask us how we met, or how he proposed, or what it was like our first summer being married, I can recall every detail…how warm or cold it was outside, what I was thinking and feeling during each moment, whether I was holding his left hand or his right…..
But somewhere as the months and years have rolled on I have allowed my eyes to get lazy. At some point I quit paying as careful attention, and because I quit paying attention I have found it harder and harder to notice things that need my attention, and work on those things that need noticing. The truth is, I do not spend nearly enough time considering what it is like to be married to me. And as I think about it now, I am not greatly impressed. I do not approach the self-work that needs to be done in my marriage with any degree of zealousness. Instead, I have succumb to idle contentment …and that is not what I want for my marriage.
I don’t want to be the wife who just throws a tarp over the leaks because it is easier than repairing the holes…
the wife who allows opportunities to grow turn into obstacles that can barely be overcome…
or who lives in constant regret because she is afraid to battle discouragement and disappointment with hope and faith.
No, I want to be the wife with her eyes wide open.
The wife who never stops noticing the blessings that her husband daily brings to her life.
The wife who is humbly approachable, quick to resolve conflict, and characterized with a pattern of forgiveness, thankfulness, and praise because she sees!
Oh, I am in such desperate need of grace! Grace that enables me to reconcile, restore, repair, and remember! Grace that teaches me and changes me. Grace that empowers me to discount minor offenses and recognize what is truly important. Grace that allows me to see myself with greater accuracy and to address what I see with greater discernment and intent. Grace that keeps me committed to loving and learning and serving the incredible man that I married.
I am a weak, broken vessel of a wife, but so full of hope because His grace sustains me. I want to be the wife that is worthy of the husband I have been given. I want to see every moment and be able to look back at it and remember all the details, because
I don’t want to miss or forget any second of this journey that we are on together. I want to be a wife with diligent eyes….because my husband is worth seeing.