Through A Wound

It has been just over four months little one. Four months since we found out that we lost and heaven gained.

My heart has been a hurricane of emotion all this time, changing direction and intensity without warning or predictability. There have been days when I just couldn’t seem to back away from a cliff edge of grief and pain. And others where I have been gripped by the fear that as time passes and the normalcy of life settles in around me you will be forgotten by others… or your life thought less significant.

But dear one, this week I have come to realize that the Lord has done an incredible work in my life during those four months… and since I know that in your own heart you now love the Lord above anything else, I know that you will understand when I say… I think I would do it all over again if I was given a choice.

Please hear me out. I miss you. Tremendously. My heart still aches every. single. day. And my arms have continually yearned to hold you on this broken earth.  But your daddy said something the other night, as he was teaching on joy, that has been echoing in my heart and mind ever since then.

“The Lord knows that the quickest way into our hearts is through a wound.”

In God’s great mercy to me, the Spirit has worked in my life in such a way that I have been compelled to allow Him access into my heart through the wound caused by our loss of you. And my love, since that wound was so vast, God has had an enormous door to walk through.

My heart is now so full of the faithfulness of God and alive with praise at the way He has day after day used the countless stream of tears to wet down this hardened clay of a mother in order to mold me into a greater likeness of His Son. My sweet baby, I am more like Jesus because I lost you. And as much as my heart aches for you, it longs for Jesus even more.

But little one, that’s not all He’s been doing in my life during these four long months…

In July we took our students to summer camp. During the first session, as I stood there singing in the midst of 200 high school students something about the lyrics grabbed hold of me:

Holy, holy is the Lord God almighty
Worthy, worthy is Your Name
All of Heaven joins the universe ever crying
Worthy, worthy is Your name

That truth is woven all throughout Scripture:

“Sing, O heavens, for the LORD has done it;
Shout, O depths of the earth; break forth into singing,
O mountains, O forest, and every tree in it!
For the LORD has redeemed…”
Psalm 44:23

“Let heaven and earth praise him…”
Psalm 69:34

Did you catch that?  Heaven and Earth.  That’s us, little one.  You and me.  All of Heaven and earth join together to sing about the worthiness of our glorious Savior!  I cannot express just how deeply that penetrated into my heart.  As everyone around me continued to sing, I was speechless.  It’s a good thing the lights were off, so I didn’t make a scene as I sunk into my seat and began sobbing — all the while being washed over with unspeakable joy.

downloadSome of the most intimate and precious moments as a mother have come while daddy and I snuggle up with your sister and brothers and together raise our voices to sing praise to our Almighty God.  Oh! How I love worshipping the Lord as a family. So to know that when we are approaching the throne of God in worship you are there as well — lifting your voice in praise for all eternity — I am blown away by such a gift.  A gift made possible through HIS wounds.  What joy there is in knowing that I am still able to experience this intimacy with you,  that together we can be ever crying, “Worthy, Worthy is His name!”

On days when my soul feels heavy and my feet are dragging as though they were made of lead from the weight of missing you, I take those thoughts captive as I turn instead to worship the Lord.

Because I have come to believe with the very fiber of my being that when He gave you the very best, I received the very best too.  It just took my stubborn, hurting heart longer to realize it.  But this sweet intimacy with the Lord initiated by His wounds and now pouring through my own has brought me greater depths of joy than I would have thought possible.  Yes, child of mine, even greater than the joy that would have come from holding you in my arms here on earth.

So let’s sing together, little one.  You in heaven and me on earth until we are both face to face with our Lord and Savior, and then forevermore.  Because you and me…we were made to worship. And only HE is worthy to receive it.

I love you

3 thoughts on “Through A Wound

  1. Laurie Schmidt says:

    Whew. I’m speechless. And praising God for you, and our little 12th grandchild. When I sing tomorrow with those at MCC, I’ll be singing with you too, sweet one. Love Grammy


  2. Hazel Moon says:

    Precious father hold our dear ones in your loving arms and comfort them even while the wounds are still so fresh. Thank you for pouring out your heart to us here at “Tell Me a True Story.”


  3. mandijoy says:

    Hmm. Such a deep post. I love that quote about the quickest way to our hearts is through a wound- it is so true! I am thankful for your surrendered spirit, Ashlee. It is so hard to soften in the middle of loss and willingly, thankfully say God is still good, and even this is His goodness. And the thought that we can still worship with our babies who we’ve never held brings me to tears. What a precious thought that I will hold onto.
    You know, when we were all together this August, I watched you. And I remembered what it was like to be with all our huge, happy, loud, loving, fun family, and feel like I was the only one who could feel that someone was missing. I was the only one who knew I should be feeling the kicks and flutters of life within. And this summer, I thought of Simeon, and how we’d be feeling your belly and hearing about how active he is. And I felt his absence. And missed that little one. Just wanted to let you know. I love you, Ashlee.


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