Full of You

I’ve never known a summer to fly by as quickly as this one seemed to.  With missions trips, summer camps, family vacations, and everything in between our summer has come and gone before we had a chance to blink.  But it has been a full summer.  Full of memories, full of family, full of seeing the Lord at work in our lives and in the lives of those around us…and full of you.

Oh dear one, we are so thankful for you.

DSC_4181You were certainly a surprise to us all.  Your daddy and I had decided that we would take a year to rest physically and emotionally before we made any further decisions about continuing to grow our family.  In fact, my doctor was unsure if my body would even be capable of carrying a healthy pregnancy full term.  But God… You’d think that by now these words wouldn’t come as such a surprise to me.  

These “but God” moments have occurred over and over again through the joys and sorrows of these past fifteen months.  Time and time again He has showed us the beauty that results from Proverbs 16:9

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

How thankful I am that it is the Lord who establishes our steps.  Goodness knows what a mess of things I would make if it were my plans that my life followed.  Certainly, there are things that in my flesh I would have desired to be different, but oh how my heart has seen over and over again that His ways truly are higher through it all! 

Even in the midst of the deepest sorrow, His ways have been higher than my own, His plan better than mine.  And here we are again, bearing witness to this life-changing truth.  Because God chose you.  Even when we thought we were not ready, even when we had decided to wait, God established our steps and gave us you. 

DSC_4180I won’t pretend that it has been easy.  My heart has constantly battled against the fear of losing you.  I know that we are not guaranteed anything beyond this moment on earth and the hope of eternity.  After two consecutive losses, I think we have all struggled to some degree with fear and uncertainty these past several weeks. 

Shortly after telling your siblings that you had joined our family, Micah approached me and whispered, “Mommy I am not excited… because all of our babies die.”

My heart was crushed.  What a burden for someone so small to be carrying. 

I brought him downstairs and showed him pictures of me when I was pregnant with him, and ultrasound photos I had of him. 

“You were my baby.  And you did not die,” I said.  “We do not know what God’s plan is for this sweet baby, but we do know that His plan is best.  God had a different plan for your life than He did for Simeon and Odelle.  He knew it was best for them to go to Heaven before they were born to this earth, and it was best for you to be born and grow into my big three-year-old boy.  Only God knows how many days He has chosen for this baby and each of us, but we can choose to be thankful for every day He lets us be together and trust that He will always do what is best for our good and His glory.”

I think my heart needed to hear those words spoken out loud as much as he did. 

DSC_4174

I made a decision that night.  I chose to live by the words that I had just spoken to your brother.  And every morning as I wake, I will renew that decision.  I will trust God with the plan He has for your life.  And I will live each day full of thankfulness for you and the time we have together.  As we watch my body grow with you, as your siblings kiss you goodnight as they are tucked into bed each night, as I begin to feel you move within me, as this nauseousness serves as a constant reminder of a new addition to our family, as I have opportunities to listen to your heartbeat and see you through a sonogram, I will remember that each precious moment is a gift.

And so, my little one, even though our summer went by in a blur, it was a summer full of new life.  Full of you.  I would not exchange a single moment for anything.  The joy of knowing that you are now and forever a part of our family is great indeed.  And I will continue day by day to trust in our Great God — the Author of Life — because I know that He is faithful, He is sovereign, and He is good. 

I love you always,
-Mommy

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2 thoughts on “Full of You

  1. Laurie Schmidt says:

    Oh sweet Micah. I love his heart. What a precious young man. He is such a blend of his mommy and daddy. Praying for the Jesse Schmidt family

    Like

  2. mandijoy says:

    I love that little Hero. And that little one inside. I’m thankful that you are willing to live fully present with the little one inside… willing to embrace him as long as you can… for as many days as you have. That is so brave. And so full of the love of God.

    Like

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